MURDER AT YATES MANOR WRITTEN by KENNETH HAND kenneth@kennethhand.com June 04, 2003 This is a parody of Clue, based on the Murder at Marnie Manor series which was written in 2000-1 by Kenneth Hand and Ashley Neilson. The characters are based on friends/acquaintances of KH and AN, but the story is nonetheless a bonafide Clue mystery which can be solved. SUSPECTS: Ann White (female): The French maid Daina Peacock (female): The proper old lady Yoru Green (male): The business guy Mike Mustard (male): The military strategist Laurissa Scarlet (female): The golddigger Ken Plum (male): The professor WEAPONS: Knife Revolver Rope Wrench Lead Pipe Candlestick ROOMS: Hall Lounge Dining Room Kitchen Ball Room Conservatory Billiard Room Library Study SECRET PASSAGES: Conservatory <-> Lounge Kitchen <-> Study ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a dark and stormy night. Ashley Yates-Boddy (hereforth known as Yates) was playing with her crabs for a while before she went to bed, as usual. It was a Friday, which meant her guests were over. Daina Peacock, Ken Plum, Yoru Green, Laurissa Scarlet, and Mike Mustard were all getting ready for bed, after a long day of sitting around doing nothing. Ann White was supposed to be pouring warm milk for each of the guests, but instead she was in the Lounge watching Jay Leno. At about midnight, a guest crept downstairs. He was accustomed to having his milk and cookies before going to sleep, and couldn't fall into slumber without them. He was clutching the Wrench, his only weapon, as though someone might attack him at any moment. Meanwhile, another guest had entered Yates's bedroom without knocking. "What do YOU want?" Yates asked rudely. She hated being disturbed in the middle of crab-playing. "My ceiling is leaking!" squealed the guest, who had the Rope under her nightgown and was going to strangle Yates with it if something wasn't done about the leak. "But all the other bedrooms are occupied." "Ugghh!" Yates groaned. "The woes of owning a huge old house! I'll have to get you to sleep downstairs tonight, in the room of your choice." "Downstairs?!" the guest asked, horrified. She couldn't imagine sleeping on the billiard table or on one of the hard sofas in the Lounge. "Yes," said Yates matter-of-factly. "I'll have Ann bring you in a cot." "Don't worry about it," replied the guest. "I'll sleep on the sofa in the Library, in front of the warm fireplace." And so she, too, made her way down the staircase, and into the Library, where she spent the remainder of the night asleep. Ken, just then, was walking around the third floor of the house, restless and worried because he hadn't a weapon. Why did _he_ have to be the only one on the third floor? When Marnie was still alive, he had always been put on the second floor next to Yoru, and Kendra (who had mysteriously disappeared after Yates took over the manor) had had the third floor room. He stormed down to the second floor and into Yates's bedroom. "What IS IT with people coming in while I'm playing with my crabs?!" Yates demanded, and held up one of her awful hermit crabs for Ken to see. "Can't you see I'm busy!" Ken was about to roll his eyes, but then checked himself, remembering his contact might pop out. "Listen, Yates, I can't sleep on that top floor. I'm all creeped out. I'll have to switch rooms." "You're such a suck!" Yates said, and offered Ken a downstairs room as well, forgetting to mention that another guest had also wanted a downstairs room. Ken accepted, and said he would make his way to the Study to read a Latin book before he fell asleep. On his way out of Yates's room, he grabbed the Knife off her end table without her seeing. Daina Peacock, still in her bedroom, was pondering which of her weapons would be better for killing Yates: the Lead Pipe or the Candlestick. She actually wanted to use the Revolver, so that she could blast Yates's little crabs as well, but she had seen a male guest pick it up from the Conservatory that afternoon. Eventually she decided on the Candlestick, and, taking both weapons with her, she headed to the Kitchen for a glass of whisky before she did the deed. And of course, Yoru wasn't planning on spending the night in his bedroom. He heard the TV on in the Lounge, and, picking up his weapon on the way out -- just in case -- he headed downstairs. In the Kitchen, Daina ran into another guest eating milk and cookies with his Wrench next to him on the Kitchen table. Not wanting to talk to him, Daina grabbed the whisky bottle from the Kitchen counter and took the secret passageway to the Study, where Ken had not yet arrived. The guest in the Kitchen was so caught up in eating his cookies, he didn't notice her. On her way through the secret passageway between the Kitchen and the Study, Daina dropped one of her weapons without realizing it. When Yoru arrived in the Lounge, Ann was snoring. Not wanting to wake her up or stick around to listen to her snoring, Yoru headed for the Billiard Room to watch the TV there. On the way to the Billiard Room, Yoru ran into Ken Plum, who was holding his pillow and blankets. "Hey, Plumkin!" Yoru called, and cackled. "Yoru, Mike wasn't in his room. Do you know where he is?" Ken asked. "Uhh, what's his plan for the night?" Yoru asked. Ken thought for a minute. "I can never remember his stupid daily plans," Ken replied. "He always tells them to me, but I never remember." "Well then, I guess you're out of luck. But hey, I'm heading to the Billiard Room to watch TV. Wanna come?" "Sure!" Ken said, and went with Yoru instead of heading to the Study. Meanwhile, the guest in the Kitchen had finished his cookies, and swore he heard a noise in the six-foot freezer. Dramatically, as though he was still in the military, he swung open the door, to see an empty freezer. "Hmm," he said, and rubbed his chin, as though he was actually thinking. Just then he noticed a big turkey in a shopping bag sitting on the counter. Supposing Ann had forgotten to put it away, he threw it in the freezer. The back of the freezer swung open. "Whoa!" he said. "This must be one of those secret passages, like in the old houses!" He entered, and the freezer door swung shut. "Mommy!" Just then, as usual, the lights went out. Nobody bothered to scream. The guest in the passage didn't know the lights went out, because the passage wasn't lit. On his way through, however, he picked up a weapon that could be lit to help him, but he didn't have a match. Since the lights were out, the TV also went off, and in the dark Ken and Yoru's weapons somehow got switched, and Yoru ended up leaving the room. He entered the Conservatory. Daina left the Study, and just then realized she only had one weapon. Cursing, she entered the Hall, where the front stairs were. Yates too had left her room, and had come down to search for Ann to ask where she had put the candles. Yates missed Daina in the Hall by less than a minute. The guest who had been trapped in the passageway came out in the Study and headed for the Dining Room, thinking that was the best plan. Ann's snoring stopped. She got up and, realizing she hadn't a weapon, went to find one. She entered the Ball Room. Just then, the lights came back on, and everyone saw that they were each alone in main-floor rooms. Thinking Ann might be pouring the warm milk, Yates entered the Kitchen. Seeing it was empty, she took the secret passage to the Study and headed for another of the rooms whose spelling ends with a "y". The guest in that room (Room x) tried to kill her with the Knife but did not succeed. Yates left Room x, and ran to the room which immediately comes before Room x on the list of rooms. The guest in this room was just leaving and did not notice Yates enter. The lights went back off. Yates stayed in the room and searched around for the phone. Unbeknownst to her, the only guest with one blunt weapon had entered the room and was coming toward her. Yates was struck dead. Who killed Yates? Where? With what?